Anthony
sighed and looked sideways at his best friend, Chris, who gave him a weak smile
that was probably meant to be reassuring. He had come so far to get to this
point. He had sacrificed so much
and knew that there would be more to atone for once the day was over. But he
just couldn’t bring himself to care about that right now. Because right now, in
this moment, he knew that he had to stay strong and focus on the task at hand.
Without
his permission, his mind began to wander back to the events that had led him to
this point. Going even further back, he admitted to himself that his life had
never been easy but that it seemed to all have led up to this moment. Now.
Here. If he succeeded, it would all be worth it. If his plan backfired, then
all would be lost and he would never ever recover from the shame and heartache.
This moment of anticipation was so bittersweet, not yet knowing whether he
would tumble into oblivion or rise from the ashes like the mythical phoenix
that he had always so admired.
This
was Anthony’s last moment with his heart before it would officially belong to
someone else or be crushed, withered, and useless forever. For Anthony was in
love, he was in love like no one had ever been in love before. In all of his
nine years on this rotating rock that we call planet earth, Anthony had never
felt like he felt right now. Not even on the first night of Chanukah, taking a
moment to just look out at the eight gloriously mysterious packages all waiting
just for him, did Anthony shake so with the joy of anticipation. Not even the
first day of elementary school (big kids roaming the halls and actual assigned
homework!) filled him with such worry and suspense. Not even the joy of slowly,
oh so slowly, pulling out that wooden block with sweating fingers wondering
whether this would be the one to cause the whole tower to fall apart with the
humiliating cries of “Jenga” shouting in his ear balanced him so delightfully
on the precipice of clear thought and pure chaos.
Anthony
loved his parents and his grandparents. He loved his dog and his Spiderman
backpack. He loved the smell of potato pancakes and he supposed he even loved
his sister (when she was being nice to him instead of slamming her door in his
face.) But nothing, nothing, felt quite like the love that he had in his heart
today. It was a love that had started to grow inside him last week when she
shared her pudding with him for the first time because he told her that his mom
only ever packed him healthy snacks. And it had begun to escalate as she shared
that blue was her favorite color too. But when he heard her argue with Chris about their favorite
characters on Avatar, he knew he was a goner for sure. Her name was Hannah and she was better
than last Chanukah and his Birthday combined.
On
Monday, he made funny noises in class so he could get a timeout because he had
heard his sister giggling with her friend about how much they loved a guy who “had
the whole bad boy thing going on.” Tuesday he complemented her on the height of
her pigtails after listening to his mother complain to a friend that Anthony’s
father never said anything nice about the way she looked anymore. Wednesday he gave her all the diamond
tangrams because he had seen a movie where a woman said that diamonds were a girl’s
best friend. And Thursday night
after soccer practice, he had enlisted Chris, the only one he could trust with
such a sensitive matter, to help him in completing his grand gesture.
For
hours, he and Chris had sat in his room to plan and scheme. They pulled together
all their possessions to use as bartering tools for the extra help that they
would need. Billy had taken two packs of double bubble gum to let them use his
pastel chalk. Jimmy had taken Anthony’s Clone Wars comic to keep their teacher
Mrs. Smith out of the way. He even
asked Hannah’s best friend, Jenny, to keep her busy so she wouldn’t notice how
weird he was being. She agreed to do it for free.
So
that was how he had arrived at this point. During lunch, he had raised his hand
to leave and use the bathroom, but instead he had snuck off to get started with
the rest of his life. His friends had all given him subtle nods as they filed
back into the room after lunch, letting him know that everything was in order
and the plan was a Go. As he looked away from Chris and towards Hannah, he took
another breath and waited to see if all of his hard work would pay off.
Mrs.
Smith pulled up the hanging map to display the blackboard underneath, just like
she always did after lunch to start their math lesson for the day. But this
time the equations she had prepared were erased and in their place were words
written in bright neon. In the center were the letters “AS LOVES HB.” Around
his declaration of love he had written statements and short sentences for her.
“Because you share whatever you have.” Was off to the left. “Your hair looks
really pretty in the sunlight” was written across the bottom. “One time I was
sad because Danny told me I looked stupid, but you said I didn’t look stupid
but that Danny was stupid but that stupid wasn’t a very nice word” had taken a
long time to write neatly. He admitted that he had never really liked poetry
and would probably never be a very good writer. But he watched her eyes grow
wide as they darted across his work to take in all the words.
Mrs.
Smith was angry. She was demanding to know who had erased her hard work and she
was using her loud voice. They were never allowed go talk that loudly, but
adults never had to use their “indoor voices” for some reason. Anthony wasn’t
listening to Mrs. Smith at all. And he knew his friends would never tell on him
because when he bought their cooperation he had also bought their silence.
Anthony didn’t care what Mrs. Smith thought; he only cared about Hannah and
what she thought. She hadn’t looked at him yet and he was getting nervous.
Finally, Mrs. Smith said that she
would have to redo the math equations so they could go into the reading corner
or sit and their desks with a book while she worked. Anthony held his breath and watched Hannah get up from her
chair, grab her book, and turn to look at him. He held his breath and looked up
into her eyes, her growth spurt had hit before his but he was determined not to
let that bother him. This was it. He didn’t breath again until he saw her face
break out into the biggest smile he had ever seen.
“Finally!
I was running out of pudding!”
He
grinned back at her and felt his cheeks flush with happiness and embarrassment.
He offered her his arm and invited her to retire to the beanbag in the reading
corner with him and when she giggled, he felt it all the way down in his toes.
He gave her the good bag that still had all its beans and smiled at her over
his copy of “If you Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Years later, they would not
remember exactly what he had written on the board, only how happy they both
were that he had.
